god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
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