nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
