I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
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Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
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Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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