I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
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when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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