I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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