sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
