I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
did you just send me my own nude
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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