and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
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Strip Mario-Kart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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