Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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