If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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