Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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