is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
