I could make wine with my vomit
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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