i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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