If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
