My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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