Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
