Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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