Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
