Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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