Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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