and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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