hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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