If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
