Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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