Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Is Oprah even human
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
