Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
