no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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