guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
