Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
