Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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