seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
