True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
