even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
