What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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