My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
