I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
