Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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