Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
