Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
