I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
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