I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
