The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
