I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
