i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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