Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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