If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
