I hate all girls vehemently.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize