you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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