Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
