I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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