I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
