Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
