im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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