Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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